New York University educated life coach, love expert, & advisor extraordinaire.
My love story starts before I was even born – all the way back in 1984. My mom had a hard pregnancy. I’m talking, really, really hard. I’m a twin, you see. And my mom’s doctor told here that we were to small, to unhealthy to survive. He told her not to get too attached because chances were really high that we would die. She took those words to heart.
When we were born premature, she cared for us – but she was always afraid to love us. Always afraid we’d die, just like the doctor said. That fear – it prevented her really ever loving us deeply (for fear we wouldn’t survive). That fear kept her from really loving me. She had built a wall around her heart to protect herself and that wall meant that she wasn’t able to share her love, her light, her joy.
From birth until the age of 26, my mother never told me she loved me. Not because she didn’t – but because she just couldn’t say it, for fear of what would happen. This destroyed me. It made me feel like I was literally in hell – I was so scared that if I was to meet someone and feel happy, I would lose that happiness. It couldn’t possibly last. That if I found love, it would disappear. That I would probably never even find love, because my own mother couldn’t tell me she loved me, and therefore who else ever could?
I lived my life like I was in hell. I would binge drink to the point of blacking out. I had stomach issues. I was wasting my potential. Until one day, I decided I couldn’t do that anymore. I went to a bookstore and found books on spiritual healing. As obsessed as I was before with destroying my life. I became that obsessed with saving it. I dedicated myself to personal development. I found self love within. Real, deep, self love. And as a result of learning to love myself like that…
Eventually, I found a deep, committed partnership. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses. I went through some deep shit to get there – I was with a abusive narcissist for a while before I escaped. But eventually I emerged on the other side and found a relationship for myself that is real, and beautiful, and strong. That nurtures and shows and reflects love-it doesn’t hide it away. I realized that this knowledge I had gained, this hell I had walked through – it was all for a reason.
It was so that I could share what I learned with others. So I could teach other women what I had to figure out in the hardest way. So I could help other women walk through the fire and emerge on the other side, whole unscathed. So I could share what I learned about finding the man of your dreams (and how it all starts with you). I want you to know that I know exactly how it feels to hate yourself. To be stuck attracting the wrong man, time after time. And I want you to know that it’s totally possible to change that behavior.